Women-Men asymmetry

How innocent you are! You, a long time denizen, reckoned Delhi a safe city.

The Hindu took it upon itself to disabuse you of that notion. They started a series, of the size of the so-called and now extinct Middle which is purported to be “personal accounts on street harassment and violence in the Capital”. It has sought contributions: “Have a story about life on Delhi’s streets you’d like to share? E-mail us at readers.mail@thehindu.co.in”

There have been six such accounts till today, November 10^th. Five of these have been on the harassment of women, mostly during commuting. Today’s is on rape and murder. I wish to talk only about the “eve teasing” five [1-5] because the sixth is at a different level altogether, at least from my perspective. No, I do not condone eve teasing, but rape is at a different level, you would surely agree. I may have some surprising take on eve teasing, if only you are patient enough to hear me out.

I got married very late in life. So, in a sense, you may suspect that I have enjoyed (if that be the word) eve teasing over an extended time frame. Your suspicion is wrong. I am second to none in acknowledging that women’s experience on Delhi’s streets is truly shameful, shameful to men. No, that does not convey the disgust I feel about the male sex.

But, do men have any special, specifically male tools to counter the menace to women, except brute strength in some cases? I am of small physical stature and even if I were to gather up the courage I would more likely end up on the receiving side. But, if I am so concerned about women, should I have “bought a little can of pepper spray” in defense of women who get eve teased, as was suggested to Smriti Kak Ramachandran [1]? Imagine my coming to the help of an eve-teased woman with my can of pepper spray. I will not be doing anything in self-defense, and thus lose a point of defense in my own favor. Just imagine.  

That may not excuse me from shying away from confrontation. But, it does tell you, I hope, the non-eve teasing men are NOT exactly at liberty to come to the defense of hapless women. They are constrained within the circle of their survival instincts. And, this is the point – women are so too. This is one of the surprising takes on eve teasing I teased you with earlier. Eve teasing is against women, but the reason both men and women will hesitate to defend the woman is the same.

Yes, some man or woman may still do it, but that is not a risk any woman can demand that others take on her behalf. I tell you why I made this point, quite so strongly at that. In the same article, one reads, “A man swore at me without pause and not one person in that bus protested.” Parse that sentence, not for grammar or syntax, but for implications.

Swearing is equivalent to eve teasing, as the article predominantly talks about “sexual harassment”. Did the swearing carry any sexual undertones? We do not know, but are forced to nod our heads. Did the writer admit to possible mistakes on her part? Not even a beep. Suddenly, in an article about men’s behavior, we read the words “not one person [my emphasis]” and “taking on a belligerent man in a bus full of mute spectators [my emphasis].” Not a man, but a person. “Spectators” is a gender neutral term, but if you sense only men in “spectators”, I do not blame you. Overtly, the blame shifts ever so slightly to all the people, women included, but the implication is that it is the men who have been silent witnesses to this drama.

That is the work of a professional writer and I see that the writer works for The Hindu. OK, I am assuming she is a writer and not any of the other non-scribe positions in the newspaper. Allow me that liberty, please.

In the interest of full disclosure, I must tell you that I am not above appreciating a beautiful woman on the streets of Delhi, indeed in any city, town or village. I am an inveterate people watcher, an eve-watcher as much as an adam-watcher. But, there is an asymmetry. I am watched more in my former role than in my latter. Am I adam-teasing when I am appreciating the looks of a handsome man?

A man watching a man? That does not sound right. But, it is right. Do women not watch other women? Do they not appreciate or heap scorn on other women’s dress sense? That is my temperament too, trying to identify and if possible enjoy the changing contours of fashion. Why should I stop myself from being curious? Because it is women’s fashion, you say?

If I am looking at a woman, am I leering at her, am I ogling? Who is to tell? “There was a homeless man at the bus stand [night time] who began to smile at me. He probably meant no harm, I didn’t intend to wait to find out.” That is so magnanimous of you, Ma’am Smriti [1]. A professional method of implicating, just mention something and slip sliding away as Paul Simon sang – never able to say the things you do have to say. So, you slip sliding away.

A woman gets “pushed, abused, stared at and touched inappropriately”. I sympathize with these women. But, please do contextualize each incidence. If in a crowd, you get pushed, what could that mean? It is crowded. Simple. What about abused? At the heat of the moment one would not want to blame oneself. But, think later, at least before sending off an article to a paper – was there an extenuating circumstance?

“A man brushed against me, pretending to look surprised when protested.”  This is what Bindu Shajan Perapaddan wrote [3]. Well, I have a few questions for the writer. Did this happen in a crowded place? Did the alleged offender look back, because he had passed you by even before the protest come out of your mouth? I will tell you why I ask – this happened to me and I know I was not interested in abusing a young lady. By the way, we were entraining a “male compartment”.

Sowmiya Ashok says that the compartments not reserved for women are now called “male compartments” [2]. My fellow male commuters on the Delhi metro will have hearty laugh when they read this. The “male compartments”, my dear Ma’am Sowmiya, are dominated by women! And, I am not exaggerating. And this domination starts even before the train pulls in at the platform.

True, the lines drawn on the platforms to guide the passengers exiting and entering the train are the opposite of the so-called Lakshman Rekha. Yet, the way women breach those lines (I think Sita showed the way for them!), and also the physical barriers set up at some stations with a look of entitlement that is far beyond bemusing, bewitching and bewildering. It is commanding, asserting women’s priority.

Now, that is my judgment of the look on their face, the way their eyes assert themselves. If you have problems with my judgment, likewise I have problems with bald assertions like context-free pushed, abused etc. Yes, if a woman is groped by a male that is despicable and it goes beyond the euphemism, eve teasing.

I have earlier talked about what happens inside the coaches. I would not want to go over it again, except to say that women look out for their comforts more than protecting themselves against eve teasers. Indeed, by noting through which door a lady embarks is an unfailing signature of the station at which she will disembark, the door aligning itself with the lift or escalator. It is this aspect – I have confirmed this quite unscientifically – which leads me to believe that this eve-teasing-on-the-metro is a severe exaggeration of reality.

Let me come to Martina Roy, a Delhi University student and her experience on DTC buses. She says that the buses “have a separate section for women.” OK, she is a student and was in a hurry while composing this piece. But, then, having excused this egregious error – there are no “section” only seats for women, I will tell you what my experience is on DTC buses. But before that, something more Ma’am Martina has said has to be pointed out. She also says, “Often, however, men occupy these seats and refuse to budge.” This is a figment of her imagination. I have seen this very many times – if pointed out, the conductor ensures that the man leaves that seat.

Getting to the first statement of hers, the buses are almost always crowded and during peak hours even the air-conditioned buses are filled to the gill. And, there are reserved seats for, alongside those for women, the elderly, injured, handicapped and pregnant women (the image above proclaims it unambiguously). Now, how aware and conscientious women passengers are as regards these “reserved” seats? Not any more than men are. It is not that the above situation is exactly, or even anywhere near equal to eve teasing. It is more that one is a lot more severe and has an element of qualitative difference too. The efforts to turn-up the crime meter as regards eve teasing must be seen in the context of our attachment to be willfully ignorant of civic behavior, and no man-woman difference there.

I do want to highlight one statement, “When I see a group of men walking towards me, I cross the road.” This was by Ma’am Sowmiya [4]. This took me to the 1980s when I was in the US. I admit most shamefacedly that I have shown the exact same behavior – crossing the road to avoid black men, even a twosome, they being so big and all.

Over time, it dawned on me that I was being a racist. If Ma’am Ashok feared that she will be raped, I was afraid I will be mugged and indeed even killed. My feeling was born not out of any personal experience, not even out of the experience of any one close to me, but by the general noise around me – blacks are dangerous. Now, the noise around, and Ma’am Ashok is adding to it, is misandry – hatred of men. Well, I matured. I hope Ma’am Ashok does too. No hurry, let her take her time. We will all be better for her transformation.   

If the issue is truly such a “hot button” one, it is five days since the first one was published. And, so far not a single letter has been written, or if written deemed fit to be published by the newspaper (by the way, three of the four writers work for The Hindu). So how hot is the “hot button”? I am not sure. This is evident also in some of the dismissive statements about going to the police. Who will take the trouble? As Ma’am Bindu says [3], “[T]here will be rounds of police stations and courts to be gone through. There might be more trouble. It just doesn’t seem worth it.” So, if this is the women writers’ commitment to the cause they are espousing, I pity the lot of women, with or without eve teasers around.  

Ask the women, middle aged and apparently in good health who travel by Delhi Metro – “Have you ever been offered a seat by a male passenger without you even asking?” If the answer is yes, as it is bound to be in many cases, ask, “Was there an element of courtesy behind the offer?” The answer is bound to be yes. This is also the truth about men on the DTC buses and in general, in public space. Ma’am Sowmiya says, “These public spaces are alien to the likes of me.” I am no one to dispute what she thinks is alien to her. But, I can and will tell you who she refers to as the “likes of me.”

Those who are paranoid. Those who do not know or if they know, do not acknowledge that public space demands confident yet cautious behavior. Those who have a feeling of entitlement. If you read through all the articles you would find that women are portrayed as innocent participants in the public space. How much you give in to this illusion will determine how much you are taken in by this tone.

The five articles I have referred to have many more bones of contention. It is a motivated series, towards painting men as wolves and women as lambs. If you fell for it, I truly pity you. I recognize the validity of the issue and also the false pretenses of these articles.

The ready made response to what I have written: Men do not understand women issues. True, but do women understand what men feel? More pertinently, can men even be seen to be supporting men even those who support women? I do not think so. The asymmetry is so stark.

Raghuram Ekambaram

References

1.    The long fearful rides home …, Smriti Kak Ramachandran, The Hindu, November 6, 2012 (http://www.thehindu.com/news/cities/Delhi/the-long-fearful-rides-home/article4071807.ece)

2.    Men continue to infiltrate Delhi Metro ladies’ coach, Sowmiya Ashok, The Hindu, November 6, 2012 (http://www.thehindu.com/news/cities/Delhi/men-continue-to-infiltrate-delhi-metro-ladies-coach/article4070045.ece)

3.    Harassment shackles women, Bindu Shajan Perappadan, The Hindu, November 7, 2012 (http://www.thehindu.com/news/cities/Delhi/harassment-shackles-women/article4071819.ece)

4.    “Go home, wear a pair of shorts and stare at your own legs …”, Sowmiya Ashok, The Hindu, November 8, 2012 (http://www.thehindu.com/todays-paper/go-home-wear-a-pair-of-shorts-and-stare-at-your-own-legs/article4075959.ece)

5.    There’s something abnormal about every day in Delhi, Martina Roy, The Hindu, November 9, 2012 (http://www.thehindu.com/todays-paper/tp-national/tp-newdelhi/theres-something-abnormal-about-every-day-in-delhi/article4079765.ece)