The stinker nation(s)

India stinks.

I cannot understand how people can live in this country of armpits. Its bureaucrats are venal, no less than the politicians. Don’t ask me about their corporate class. Its greed is matched by that of the grabbing class, the so-called under privileged (did you notice the irony – being privileged has become an entitlement!). The middle class? Please don’t get me started on them, that idling bunch addicted to destructive criticism and nothing more. Political nihilism, if you will. The professional class – engineers, doctors, accountants, auditors? None can see beyond his self-absorbed nose. The civil society? That is more political than civil, with interest in self than society.

Then which nation would I like to immigrate to? Let me go down the list and settle on the first one I find tolerable. No alphabetical order for me, though.

Iceland – At one time, not too long ago, the whole nation was worth not more than the cost of a McDonald’s Big Mac! Not for me!

Russia – It is a rump of USSR. What it will be in the years to come, how much more it will be rumpified, I don’t know. Chechnya and other restive regions. I would not prefer that.

China – It is perhaps less than a Least Developing Country in meaningful terms. I would feel terribly unsafe for I would not know for what petty crime I would be sent to the gallows. Oh, it is actually a bullet through the head from behind! Thanks but no thanks.

Pakistan – I cannot play cricket even if my life depended on it. Or, to put it more appositely, even if my life depended on not playing cricket. No siree!

Bangladesh – I am leading a miserable life in a Bengali company. Why would I want to jump from the frying pan into fire?

Nepal – It was OK when it was a Hindu nation. Now, I would stay away from another one of these ill-defined, indeed undefinable “secular” countries.

Brazil – The Economist says that the country has a “spendthrift and corrupt political system”. Not a whole lot less stinking than India, I suspect.

South Africa – Governed by a goat herd. I think even a half-literate Italian transplant, or a shifty eyed, fork tongued, xenophobic, balding, aging political has been is better.

Egypt – Arab Spring has come and gone. Now, it is fall, fall, and fall forever, it appears.

Libya – If I want to be ruled by UK, France, the US or any of the other imperial powers, I would rather go there and not to Libya.

Saudi Arabia, United Arab Emirates, Kuwait, Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, Sudan, Eritrea, Ethiopia, South Sudan, Yemen, Republic of Congo, Liberia, Morocco, Mongolia, Philippines, Indonesia – Please excuse me, not for a million dollars.

Japan – Not for a million negative Sieverts (the measure of biological risk of exposure to radiation), after Fukushima Daiichi

France – What India does for Abhishek and Aiswarya Bachchan, the French do for Nicolas Sarkozy and Carla Bruni. I am not interested.

Greece – India’s 1991 foreign exchange crisis was pocket change compared to the current Greek crisis. Or, is it a Greek tragedy? I would stay away.

Italy – Yes, I like the virile leader. But the limp economy? No thanks.

Portugal – When I said no to China, logic bids me to say no to Portugal. Remember, auto da fe was the ritualized means of penance. I don’t know when the next earthquake will strike and I will be burnt at the stake as a heretic!

UK – The nation which does not know what a nation is (is Scotland a nation?) and is clinging onto memories of its defunct empire. Suppose, just suppose, I transplant myself to Scotland and it secedes, then I will have to start wearing kilts and start blowing into bagpipes! Perish the thought!

Ireland – The nation that had produced so many Nobel literature laureates, and I have no need for them. I like ideas given to me straight, understandably straight, no interpretations needed. You know it is only because they interpreted the value of their currency wrongly, they got into economic troubles! Excuse me.

Canada – A nation with two official languages and no identity. One language is British born and the other French. On the one hand its crown is British and on the other, its allegiance is to the bullying neighbour to the south. Mixed identity rather than no identity.

Singapore – A mercantile nation. What an identity to carry! Sorry.

Taiwan – Cannot participate in the Olympics as an independent nation. No thank you.

South Korea – Let them get cosy with their northern neighbors and I will consider then. India-Pakistan border is perhaps better than the DMZ at the 38^th parallel.

I am getting tired of this globetrotting. I will make just one more stop; at the beloved USA.

I quote from The Economist. “Rising inequality, unfunded pensions and bad schools are not new problems. But politics, far from offering a remedy, is now adding to the national angst. Eight out of ten Americans mistrust their government. There is a sense that their political system, like their economy, has been skewed to favour the few, not the many … precious little serious legislation has been passed … politics is being driven by extremists who reject … compromise.” To continue, “Ever more divisive media feed the activists’ prejudices.” Did that not sound eerily like the other side of the earth, India?

So, after going around the globe, at least about one fifth of it (39 out of a total of about 190), I find that Indian armpits are not all that bad. I am at least used to that smell. If only those armpits could keep themselves quite.

Raghuram Ekambaram